Comments for A Writer's World http://jaredreibms.edublogs.org Hello All!!! Thu, 20 Nov 2008 22:43:42 -0500 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.2 hourly 1 Comment on The True Superheroes by Daniel http://jaredreibms.edublogs.org/2008/10/30/the-true-superheroes/comment-page-1/#comment-8 Daniel Thu, 20 Nov 2008 22:43:42 +0000 http://jaredreibms.edublogs.org/?p=10#comment-8 J.T, i think this essay shows one of the main points of honoring veterans. The soldiers go thorough emotional trauma, first in being in the fight, than when they find out one of their friends and comrades has died. They make sacrafice after sacrafice for us, and we just brush that effort off like it was nothing. After the war time, they have still had their training, so war changes their lives, both physically and mentally. Their families are a big part as well, providing them with support and a drive to fight, to protect.We need to thank the veterans, mainly because without them, we wouldn't be here the way we are now. This essay is great, a 4.5/5 on the awesomeness scale J.T, i think this essay shows one of the main points of honoring veterans. The soldiers go thorough emotional trauma, first in being in the fight, than when they find out one of their friends and comrades has died. They make sacrafice after sacrafice for us, and we just brush that effort off like it was nothing. After the war time, they have still had their training, so war changes their lives, both physically and mentally. Their families are a big part as well, providing them with support and a drive to fight, to protect.We need to thank the veterans, mainly because without them, we wouldn’t be here the way we are now.
This essay is great, a 4.5/5 on the awesomeness scale

]]> Comment on The Pitch by Sarah!** http://jaredreibms.edublogs.org/2008/09/25/the-dirt-patch/comment-page-1/#comment-7 Sarah!** Sun, 19 Oct 2008 03:09:25 +0000 http://jaredreibms.edublogs.org/?p=5#comment-7 my favorite part was the topic sentence in your second paragraph. I could tottaly picture that. : ) my favorite part was the topic sentence in your second paragraph. I could tottaly picture that. : )

]]> Comment on The Breaking Wave by Sarah!** http://jaredreibms.edublogs.org/2008/10/02/the-breaking-wave/comment-page-1/#comment-6 Sarah!** Sun, 19 Oct 2008 02:58:21 +0000 http://jaredreibms.edublogs.org/2008/10/02/the-breaking-wave/#comment-6 I really liked this poem.I could picture myself there.you used great details.I <3 it. good job :D I really liked this poem.I could picture myself there.you used great details.I <3 it. good job :D

]]> Comment on The Pitch by Q-dog http://jaredreibms.edublogs.org/2008/09/25/the-dirt-patch/comment-page-1/#comment-5 Q-dog Thu, 02 Oct 2008 21:29:40 +0000 http://jaredreibms.edublogs.org/?p=5#comment-5 Good job on your introductory sentence it was catchy. Good use of details. Great story keep up the good work. Good job on your introductory sentence it was catchy. Good use of details. Great story keep up the good work.

]]> Comment on Semifinal Showdown by Daniel http://jaredreibms.edublogs.org/2008/09/16/semifinal-showdown/comment-page-1/#comment-4 Daniel Thu, 25 Sep 2008 21:35:19 +0000 http://jaredreibms.edublogs.org/?p=4#comment-4 It does have a good opener, forming a picture in your head of what the mood was possible like. Like Steven and Mr. Reed already pointed out, the middle of the paragraph is a little short on detail. It does have a good opener, forming a picture in your head of what the mood was possible like. Like Steven and Mr. Reed already pointed out, the middle of the paragraph is a little short on detail.

]]> Comment on Semifinal Showdown by steven http://jaredreibms.edublogs.org/2008/09/16/semifinal-showdown/comment-page-1/#comment-3 steven Sat, 20 Sep 2008 02:31:57 +0000 http://jaredreibms.edublogs.org/?p=4#comment-3 I think its realy great opener also but like Mr. Reed saie that its a little sticky in the middle I think its realy great opener also but like Mr. Reed saie that its a little sticky in the middle

]]> Comment on Semifinal Showdown by Mr. Reed http://jaredreibms.edublogs.org/2008/09/16/semifinal-showdown/comment-page-1/#comment-2 Mr. Reed Fri, 19 Sep 2008 04:57:01 +0000 http://jaredreibms.edublogs.org/?p=4#comment-2 Great opener!! You hook me into your memory. Your conclusion is also powerful with the hug of your dad. The middle, however, is just sketchy. The line where you begin "As the game went on ..." should start a new paragraph. Here is your chance to provide the details the recreate the scene. You're there, but I'm not. I don't know what position you're in. I can't see you passing the ball to ___________. I don't hear the coach shouting something on the sidelines. I don't even know what color the uniforms are. This is the task of writing a memoir: re-create the scene with details!! Great opener!! You hook me into your memory. Your conclusion is also powerful with the hug of your dad. The middle, however, is just sketchy.
The line where you begin “As the game went on …” should start a new paragraph. Here is your chance to provide the details the recreate the scene. You’re there, but I’m not. I don’t know what position you’re in. I can’t see you passing the ball to ___________. I don’t hear the coach shouting something on the sidelines. I don’t even know what color the uniforms are.

This is the task of writing a memoir: re-create the scene with details!!

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